It's been a crying day. It started almost as soon as I got up. I saw a therapist for the first time yesterday. First real session. It was not too bad. But it was probably what set me off. Everyone seems to think that I need to move out of MY house asap. (my therapist too, went on about the possibilities) Well, be that as it may, asap is not going to be all that soon. Financially, I just cannot do that. It will take some time and other changes before that becomes the thing I can do. I still have to live in the mean time. And my biggest concern is that I will lose my suppost system in the mean time because they don't like what I'm doing, the choices I'm making. Which is rally scary. The people in my house are no sort of healthy support system and the people I'm afraid of losing are. But, I can't make choices I can't see my way clear to just because others think I should.

And if the friendships, support systems I have are so tenuous that they would fall apart on account of my not doing what they think I should...well, then, maybe they aren't as supportive as I thought. I need to do what I can, when I can, as I see it being useful and possible. Although I am nopt opposed to trying the impossible...trying to rent on NO money just doesn't seem like a good idea. I think it's called *being homeless* or...*squatting*. I DO have a home. It ain't the most healthy place on Earth but it is warm and dry. I'm not saying that I won't ever move out. If it becomes a reality then so be it. But, for now, I'll live in the building for which I pay a mortgage. I will see to my own safety within this sick system and do my best to be as emotionally balanced as I and my Higher Power can arrange. I have other issues to work on and I am doing that. I can't live my life according to other people's expectations. Therapists, friends and support system included.

I went to the Al-Anon meeting that everyone has been telling me is the best in Pittsburgh this morning. It conflicts with yoga so I had not been. I sat there and cried through the whole meeting (trying not to the whole time) and then when it ended the dam sorta broke and I just couldn't stop. It was all about the friends I am afraid I'll lose because I'm making decision that differ from their suggestions. I didn't ask for suggestions. I was only looking to vent. But, that's how people are. Some have not really perfected their mind reading skills. It's hard. I live in a crazy situation. I have no real options at the moment. I think I'm pretty sane in spite of my household. Don't get me wrong...I have my issues. But not living in the Truth isn't one of them. Being able to live in/with the Truth and be okay in who I am. That's what I try to do. It seems to be working for now and I have faith that the Goddess will make it crystal clear when it is not. That's how my program works. That's what conscious contact is about.

This feeling that I'm letting everyone down. That's probably my codependence shining through.